Being Soft in a World That Expects You to be Strong
It’s the stereotype that never seems to go away. The characters in books, TV shows and movies that seep into our culture and let us know that the trope of the Strong Black Woman, is still sadly alive and well.
The ever-present assumption that Black women should be invincible, resilient and endlessly capable (which, yes, sounds great), but also comes with the footnote of, “and must do so, at any cost to themselves”.
We see this on screen in shows where Black characters are expected to power through any number of hardships, silently, proudly and with a freshly pressed tailored suit alongside. This narrative is slowly beginning to be challenged in shows like Queenie, where the main character tells her therapist, “well, strong Black women don’t cry”, before seeking support; we also need to explore just how pervasive this trope is off-screen.
If Black women are indeed labelled as strong, then who will protect us? If Black women are so strong, then does it mean that we are unable to feel pain? If we are stronger than other women, are we supposed to stay silent and just take whatever comes our way? When life is life’ing are Black women supposed to wear slogan tees that shout, “don’t worry, I’ve got this”, because what if we don’t “got this”?
Deborah Gray White writes in the book, Ar’n’t I a Woman?: Female Slaves in the Plantation South, “from the intricate web of mythology, which surrounds the black woman, a fundamental image emerges. It is of a woman of inordinate strength, with an ability for tolerating an unusual amount of misery and heavy, distasteful work. This woman does not have the same fears, weaknesses, and insecurities as other women…”
A stereotype is not just a harmless widely held idea that doesn’t have any real-world impact. The Strong Black Woman trope has taken hold in our collective imagination, sitting beneath and above the surface. While, the picture is complex and by no means a direct correlation, when we think about reports such as the maternal mortality rate for Black women being almost four times higher than for white women; we begin to question if this stereotype plays a part. Alongside, pre-existing conditions and socio-economic factors, when it comes to racial bias, ignorance and micro-aggressions as outlined in the House of Commons Committee report, it is understandable that we would question if our pain and needs are ignored because we are perceived to be stronger.
The same can be said for rationalising NHS Digital’s research that found common mental disorders such as depression were more prevalent in Black women, with Black people having particularly low treatment rates. If we are conditioned to carry everything by ourselves, to be hyper-independent and not rely on external support, how can we get the help we need?
There’s a cultural assumption of how we will move through any difficulties based on this idea of ‘being strong’. So much so that according to Refuge, between March 2020 and June 2021, Black women were 14% less likely to be referred to Refuge for support by police than white survivors of domestic abuse. Is this part of the narrative that “we’ll be okay, we can figure it out by ourselves”, or even more damaging, that Black women are not deserving of the same amount of care as others?
Similarly, this stereotype also makes its way into the workplace and collective career expectations. Race aside, we are all privy to the demands of hustle culture that tell us that if we just work hard enough, then you can have it all, be successful and live the life of your dreams. Without taking into consideration the very real barriers to success caused by anything from class-based gatekeeping and institutional racism to education and financial insecurity. The pressure on us to fall into this linear path with complete ease, fails to mention the microaggressions that occur in the workplace that further promote this idea of being strong. Research by Fawcett Society discovered that, 48% of women of Black heritage stated that they had been criticised for behaviours other colleagues get away with at work, compared to 29% of white British women. With the right search terms on social media, you’ll find countless stories about the life cycle of Black women in some workplaces, where raising a hand to express a common grievance is quickly diminished.
We can evidently see just how much the Strong Black Woman idea is harming us, while we can also acknowledge that yes, we are resilient, yes, we are strong, and yes, we have overcome, but we also deserve softness and the same level of care, compassion and support afforded to others.
So, how can we start to practice that softness in a world that expects us to be strong, here are some tips:
Create a softness practice
Find ways to rest and connect to yourself and the world around you each day. It might be examining if you have any guilt about resting and taking a 5 minute rest break every couple of hours to pause. You might take some deep breaths throughout the day when you find yourself out of balance, focus on being in nature more and regulating your nervous system with the comfort of people you love.Redefine strength
You get to redefine strength. Try writing down what being strong means to you and whether your definition has helped or hurt you over the years, then reclaim it for yourself. There’s strength in knowing when it’s time to rest and ask for support. See what strength means to you when you allow in room to be soft.Connect with your emotions
You don’t have to carry it all. Sit with what’s coming up for you, and get into a practice of exploring or naming your emotions. You can write them down, and see if you can give your emotions a voice. If your stress or frustration could talk, what would it say. Play around with new ways of expressing any emotions that arise, even with things like movement and see how it feels to practice expressing them more.Release success ‘shoulds’
Instead of focusing on what you’ve been told success should look like or what the contents of your vision board should be, give yourself some space to create your own definition. Start with what is absolutely essential in your life, how do you want to feel in it and what you want to experience; instead of only what you think you need to achieve and in what prescribed time.Practice vulnerability
Your community is everything. Reach out to people to spread the load and you always deserve to access emotional and mental health support, if you ever need it. It is strong to say you need a hand to hold, it is strong to say you’re not sure, you’re exhausted or even, that you don’t know what to do next. Keep reaching out.
EXPLORE YOUR SOFTER SIDE WITH THESE WELLNESS RESOURCES
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